Liz is a happy human being living in Kanha Shanti Vanam. She is blessed with a son and daughter and four beloved grandchildren in Australia. She is the global Director of Heartful Communication and has been a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication for over 20 years.

Liz Kingsnorth.jpg

Liz Kingsnorth

<h4>LIZ KINGSNORTH, Director of the Heartful Communication program, shares 10 tips we can apply to improve our relationships with others at home, at work and with friends, all by improving the way we communicate.&nbsp;</h4>&nbsp;<img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_1_e2968c1dd7.jpg" alt="10tips-1.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_1_e2968c1dd7.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>1. Keep an intention for connection.</h4>Nurture your intention: that you want to create and sustain, a respectful and compassionate quality of connection—whatever happens! Trust that this intention for connection is more important and more nourishing than “winning” or “being right,” or even just “having your say.” Connecting heartfully with others is one of the deepest of human needs.Having a quality of connection means that you bring yourself fully present and try to keep your heart open to what is going on for the other person—however they might express themselves—plus you keep an awareness of what is alive within yourself in each moment. In this way you can be in touch with what matters to the other and to yourself. &nbsp;To achieve this, learning to pause often is invaluable!When the connection is sustained, there is a strong possibility that both of you will be able to express yourselves, plus be heard and understood. .<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_2_1b21824ce8.jpg" alt="10tips-2.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_2_1b21824ce8.jpg 146w," sizes="100vw"><h4>2. Listen twice as much as you speak! &nbsp;&nbsp;</h4>You have two ears and one mouth—an effective reminder! Listening, truly listening, is one key to a healthy relationship. You may only be half listening, just waiting for your chance to speak, wanting to make your point, disagree, or tell your story. When your attention is with your own thoughts, you are not listening. Listening means to sense into the world of the other person, to intend to understand their perspective and needs, even if you disagree with what they are saying.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_3_2611d0b901.jpg" alt="10tips-3.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_3_2611d0b901.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>3. Understand the other person first.</h4>“Seek first to understand before you are understood,” said Stephen Covey in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. When the other person feels you are understanding them, they are far more likely to be open to understanding you. Being willing to understand the other person first involves acceptance, generosity, respect, self-control, patience, and being curious instead of furious about how they are different from you!When someone receives respect and empathy, then a wish to cooperate and contribute is free to emerge. In this approach, we believe that generosity, and a desire to cooperate and contribute, are natural human states. Not habitual, but natural. When people don’t receive attention and empathy, they may continue struggling to be heard and understood, becoming increasingly insistent or aggressive. Alternatively, they may shut down, feeling resentful and unwilling to interact further. Remember, empathy is not agreement—you can empathize with someone with whom you profoundly disagree, if you are willing!<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_4_9751f4cdb2.jpg" alt="10tips-4.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_4_9751f4cdb2.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>4. Develop awareness of underlying needs and values.</h4>One way of understanding human behavior is to be aware that everything people say and do is an expression of underlying needs, longings, or values. We can learn to tune in, identify, and “hear” these needs, even when they are not directly expressed. Because all human beings share these needs, they are our magic key to unlocking mutual understanding.&nbsp;For example, if someone says, “You are so selfish, you never do anything to help at home,” they are indirectly expressing a longing for consideration and support, but it comes out as blame and judgment. If you can empathize rather than react, you might say, “Are you upset and angry because you really need consideration and support?” This type of response will connect, and the person will start to feel understood.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_5_93824321a1.jpg" alt="10tips-5.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_5_93824321a1.jpg 144w," sizes="100vw"><h4>5. Begin with empathy.</h4>Refrain from:<ul><li>Immediately telling your own similar story,&nbsp;</li><li>Interrogating with a lot of data-type questions,&nbsp;</li><li>Interpreting the other’s experience,&nbsp;</li><li>Giving advice,&nbsp;</li><li>One-upmanship, e.g., “If you think that’s bad wait till you hear about what happened to me!” &nbsp;</li><li>Dismissing the person’s feelings, e.g., “Oh, don’t be angry,”&nbsp;</li><li>Compensating and minimizing the person’s experience, e.g. “At least…” and &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;</li><li>Telling the person that this experience is actually good for them!</li></ul>Generally people appreciate receiving empathy before anything else. The above responses may have their place later on in a conversation—it is often a matter of being sensitive to when!<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;"><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_6_4102284397.jpg" alt="10tips-6.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_6_4102284397.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"></h4><h4>6. Link your feelings to your needs or values, and take responsibility for them.</h4>What someone else says or does is not the cause for how you feel, it is the trigger. Your feelings are linked to underlying needs or values that are stimulated by what’s happening. For example, you might get angry that someone does not do what they say they are going to do, so you tell them, “You make me so angry, you are so unreliable!” This inflammatory accusation could be rephrased by owning that your anger comes from your own unfulfilled wish or value, e.g., “I feel really frustrated because it’s important to me that we keep to agreements that we’ve made.”<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_7_8bd8cf9604.jpg" alt="10tips-7.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_7_8bd8cf9604.jpg 158w," sizes="100vw"><h4>7. Make requests that are doable, specific, and positive, linked to your need.</h4>Having expressed what is important to you (your need or value), you can make a request that would go one step toward fulfilling that need. Making specific requests allows you to move out of just complaining. It’s a gateway to something changing. You may be asking things of others that are simply too vague, too big, or are expressed as a request to stop doing something, rather than a request about what you would positively like to happen. For example, “Stop making so much noise,” or “Please be more considerate,” are not clear, and could be interpreted in various ways. In contrast, “When you are playing video games, please would you use headphones?” is specific and doable.<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_8_a78880407a.jpg" alt="10tips-8.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_8_a78880407a.jpg 224w," sizes="100vw"><h4>8. Describe what’s happened in observation language &nbsp; &nbsp;</h4>When you are upset, angry, scared, or worried, you may lapse into descriptions of what is triggering you, in language full of judgment, blame, or interpretation, for example, “You are always attacking me,” “He doesn’t care at all about us,” “You’re too lazy,” etc. If you can describe what you are seeing and hearing in a neutral, factual way, free of judgments (as a video camera would record), there’s a good chance the other person can agree with this initial description. Then the interaction can move to aspects that will make the difference, such as sharing of feelings, needs, and requests. “That’s a really stupid idea,” might be rephrased as, “When you suggest that we all go to a movie that finishes at midnight (observation language), I’m worried (feeling) because it’s important that the kids get a full night’s sleep (need). How about we go to the 2 p.m. show instead (specific request)?”<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_9_31f1e2a722.jpg" alt="10tips-9.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_9_31f1e2a722.jpg 126w," sizes="100vw"><h4>9. Be willing to hear “No!”</h4>Even these guidelines are not a magic wand. Your carefully expressed requests might still elicit a “No” from the other person. If this upsets you, it is useful to reflect if your request was actually a demand that the person should fulfill! You have a choice about how you hear that “No.” You could hear it simply as an expression that something else is important to the other person, i.e., they have a different need or value alive in this moment. If you take time to find this out, you may realize that their “No” is actually a request for something else to happen. And then you are into the dance of negotiation! &nbsp;“No” may not be as threatening as you might imagine!<hr><img class="image_resized" style="width:25%;" src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10tips_10_cf237743d2.jpg" alt="10tips-10.jpg" srcset="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/thumbnail_10tips_10_cf237743d2.jpg 171w," sizes="100vw"><h4>10. Remember how much you are communicating without words.</h4>What is in your heart and mind, your inner condition and attitude, the energies being expressed through your body, your facial expressions, the tone of your voice… all these elements are communicating in ways that are intuitively picked up and understood by others. Are your words in alignment with these subtler elements? You are manifesting your consciousness at every moment. If you want connection, understanding, and harmony in your relationships, you can work on nourishing those aspects deeply within ourselves.Then our communication may become truly communion.<h4>Useful references:</h4>Heartful Communication: <a href="https://heartfulness.org/hc/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://heartfulness.org/hc/</a> Nonviolent Communication™ – a Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg <a href="//www.cnvc.org" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">www.cnvc.org</a> <a href="//www.nvctraining.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">www.nvctraining.com</a><hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Illustrations by LAKSHMI GADDAM</h4><hr>&nbsp;

10 tips for effective communication

<h4>
 In this 3-part series,
 LIZ KINGSNORTH
 introduces the value of effective communication, the basic principles of
 Heartful Communication, and how it can guide our understanding of our
 personal feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others,
 ultimately leading to a more consistent state of harmony. In part 3, Liz
 shares how listening can be a powerful and empathetic tool of
 communication.
</h4>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h3 class="has-text-align-center" id="h-heartful-communication-part-3">
 HEARTFUL COMMUNICATION – PART 3
</h3>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 We can listen in a range of ways. We can listen in attentive silence, offering
 our alert presence, communicating acceptance, respect or care, without words.
 Or we might need to listen for factual information – for example in a work
 meeting – and then we can check back with the speaker if what we have picked
 up is accurate.



 Perspective taking is another way to listen. Paying attention and
 acknowledging someone’s perspective or opinion, particularly when it is very
 different from our own, requires us to be centered and to let go of any urge
 to persuade them they are wrong! If our intention is connection not
 correction, we first listen for their way of seeing things and then we may
 reflect back to them our understanding of their perspective. “So, your view is
 that vaccination should be compulsory for everyone, is that right?” Remember,
 you don’t need to agree with their perspective, but when someone feels
 accurately heard, not immediately argued with, not judged, they are much more
 likely to be open to hearing your perspective also.



 Another level is to listen for how a person is feeling, and we can offer back
 what we sense. For example, someone might say, “My husband is never at home.
 He’s married to his job!” Even though feelings are not explicitly named here,
 we can sense that this person is in pain about her situation, that she has
 feelings of frustration and anger, perhaps loneliness, or even despair. If we
 gently respond to this outburst by asking if she is feeling a bit hopeless and
 alone, she may experience relief from being heard; here is someone really
 trying to understand her experience.



 What matters is that we don’t fall into the habit of immediately trying to fix
 things or make light of the situation. Habitual responses might be:


To try to console, for example, “Never mind, at least he does come home!”


 To give immediate advice, for example, “Why don’t you complain to his boss?”



 Very commonly, to tell our own similar story, for example, “Oh, my husband’s
 just the same,” and off we go with our own story, often with a sort of
 one-upmanship, like our situation is even more horrible than theirs!



 I call these kinds of responses “circuit breakers,” because they can so
 quickly break the flow of connection and cut across the person’s need to
 express themselves. We jump in and reply with what comes instantly into our
 mind. Stephen Covey wrote, “Most people do not listen with the intent to
 understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” It’s not that we should
 eliminate these responses altogether, as at times they may be what someone
 wants, but often not as a first reaction. It can be an issue of timing, being
 sensitive to their need to vent without interruption.


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 <figure>
 <img width="600" alt="Heartful-Communication-3-2" class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Heartful_Communication_3_2_91c91b2886.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-06T10:33:53.565Z" />
 </figure>
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 Take a moment now and reflect on the ways you commonly respond: “Do I tend to
 immediately give advice, for example? Or perhaps start telling my own
 experience?”



 You might also reflect on how you feel when someone tries to immediately fix
 things, when you want to simply share something and be heard?



 What we are often yearning for from our listener is empathy, that they are
 willing to imagine our world, to gently step into our unique experience and
 affirm it. Heartful Communication teaches us to listen so carefully that we
 can hear or sense what someone may be longing for, as well as their feelings,
 even when they don’t articulate them clearly. So, an empathic response to, “My
 husband is never at home. He’s married to his job!” might sound like, “I guess
 you’re feeling really fed up and alone, and you would love to have more
 quality time together with your husband.” We tune into her longing for
 companionship, even though it is being expressed indirectly as an exasperated
 complaint.



 When people receive empathy in this way, they often feel relief, an easing of
 pressure. Their need to be heard and understood is met. It’s nourishing. It’s
 one of the most transformative aspects of communication that we can develop.



 Being able to stay calm and listen under pressure is more challenging. Yet, if
 we can do it, if we can empathize with someone who is angry with us, hostility
 can change to harmony in a remarkably quick time. I remember one time when I
 was living in a house with no access to the backyard except through my
 neighbor’s garden. I was doing major renovation work and my neighbor had
 agreed to allow the workmen to come through his garden with their heavy loads
 to access my yard.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 Learning new habits of listening instead of defending ourselves. Becoming aware when we are triggered 
 and then being able to respond gently. These
 things can liberate us 
 from the prison of judgment and reactivity.
</h5>

<hr />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 We were a couple of weeks into the project with a lot more to be done, when
 one morning he bolted the gate between our gardens and piled up furniture
 behind it. Clearly, he had decided to put a stop to the work. If the gate
 stayed locked, that would be the end of my garden renovation. I needed to go
 and listen to this man.



 I began quietly, using neutral observation: “Hello John, I see the gate is
 locked today.” He immediately exploded, shouting, “You think you can just go
 on like this every day with these idiots invading my garden like it’s a public
 road!”



 I took a deep breath and listened for his feelings and what his needs were in
 this moment, and then I replied, “Are you really angry because you want your
 privacy respected”? “Yes!” he roared, “I don’t know when this damned work is
 going to be over. I’ve had enough!”



 Although I was alarmed, I remembered that he was angry because he had valid
 unmet needs, so I responded, “Right, it’s important that you know what the
 timeframe is for completing.” “Of course!” he said. “And see that shed? That’s
 my home office with all my files and my computer inside!” I replied, “Oh wow,
 I can see why you’re worried about security and want to be sure your stuff is
 safe.”



 Other things were upsetting him: “And see those plants – that is salad! Your
 buffalos are trampling over everything!” “I’m really sorry,” I said. “It
 matters that they take care and keep to the path.” There were a couple
 more of these interchanges with him expressing what he was angry about and me
 listening and doing my best to reflect back to him my understanding of his
 feelings and needs. I could see him becoming calmer. Then suddenly, to my
 surprise, he said, “Well, all right, I can see you have to get the work done.
 I’ll open the gate when they come!”



 I was taken aback at how fast things had shifted. I hadn’t protested or
 defended my situation. The whole thing took about ten minutes. I quickly
 thanked him and assured him we would talk with the workmen about his concerns.
 The project was completed amicably. This is the power of focused, empathic
 listening that’s possible even under pressure.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<div class="block-image">
 <figure>
 <img width="600" alt="Heartful-Communication-3-3" class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Heartful_Communication_3_3_faaf7d6a43.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-06T10:34:55.487Z" />
 </figure>
</div>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 Learning new habits of listening instead of defending ourselves. Becoming
 aware when we are triggered and then being able to respond gently. These
 things can liberate us from the prison of judgment and reactivity. As Viktor
 Frankl suggests, “There is a space between the stimulus and the response. In
 that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our
 growth and our freedom.” I have found that this can be achieved more easily
 when we have a practice of meditation that helps us create such spaces,
 bringing increasing calmness and balance inside. This is a journey where we
 endeavor to transcend our conditioning and re weave a web of generous, warm
 relatedness, where the well-being of each one, and all of us together, matters
 more than pursuing our individual wellbeing. Here we go beyond our separate
 identities toward a shared sense of oneness, as an entire human family, in
 which each one flourishes and can contribute to the well-being of all.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

Listening with the intent to understand

<h4>LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces Marshall Rosenberg’s practical approach of Nonviolent
 Communication, and how it is integrating with Heartfulness into Heartful Communication.</h4>
<hr class="vertical-space1">
<h5 style="text-align: center;">“Make sure that your acts and your words 
 reflect the work being done in your heart.” 
 —Babuji
</h5>
<hr class="vertical-space1">
Tensions were high during a 3-day peace-building dialogue between community leaders from
 Palestine and Israel. My cofacilitator and I were worried. The hope and determination that people had arrived with
 was under threat from divisions, frustrated efforts, and pain. The breakthrough came when we asked participants to
 simply walk along the beach with someone from the other community. As the pairs set off, they walked with distance
 between them. An hour and a half later they returned. Many were visibly different, a kind of serenity and fragility
 in their open faces. There was an air of gentle connection, a sense that people had truly met each other. Many
 described the powerful impact of their walks together. “I will see things differently now,” said one. They had
 uncovered their common humanity, shared that they had the same needs – to give their children a good education, to
 celebrate their culture, to live in safety, and so on. From that moment, I was able to do what I was there to do:
 offer the perspective and skills of Nonviolent Communication to support their ongoing dialogue and projects.
When I first came across the approach called Nonviolent Communication, which is the one
 of the key components of Heartful Communication, I realized it was transformative. Only with time and experience, I
 began to understand how profound it is as a way of being, a way to understand human behavior. It helps us experience
 the one-ness of humanity in a tangible way … in each moment, every day.
NVC originated through Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who passed away in 2015. He said, “The
 purpose of Nonviolent Communication is to help you to do what you already know how to do … to connect in a way that
 makes natural giving possible. To stay with that quality of giving, moment by moment, in every contact we have. But
 it’s easy to lose that connection. In spite of how precious it is, we forget. And instead, we play the game of
 ‘Who’s right!’ It’s a game where everybody loses.” We want to be in tune with our true, giving nature, but we have
 forgotten how. We’ve lost our way. Deep down we long to find a way to align our thoughts, words and actions with the
 loving, spiritual beings we are at our core. When we experience this alignment, we breathe freely. We remember. We
 feel a sense of Home. NVC makes the alignment of our inner and outer beings possible by focusing on what is alive in
 the heart. Instead of habitual judging and blaming, learned from the prevailing culture, we look for the fundamental
 human motivators that manifest in the heart. They can be called longings, yearnings, aspirations, values or
 universal human needs – things like respect, acceptance, security, contributing to others. NVC suggests that
 everything anyone says or does is an attempt to fulfill one or another of these life affirming human needs. When we
 learn to focus on and validate the needs that underlie behavior, we find a way to connect with a person, even when
 they are saying or doing things we don’t like. For example, instead of judging a child as “bad” for not telling the
 truth, we see they may need to protect themselves. Perhaps in the past they experienced punishment for being honest
 and owning up to taking or breaking something. We can understand the child’s need for self-protection, because we
 too experience that need, in situations we feel to be physically or emotionally threatening. Or, as we sense what
 needs may be unconsciously being met in someone we call a “bully,” we may discover new compassion growing within us.
 They may have experienced fear, disapproval and powerlessness in early life, been humiliated or isolated. Longings
 for recognition, esteem and being powerful, are manifesting in ways that violate the safety and well-being of
 others. Recognizing their unfulfilled needs can lead us to look for more fitting, healing ways to help restore the
 bully to their true nature. We come to realize that anger and violence – whether physical, psychological or
 emotional, spoken or unspoken – are the tragic expressions of unfulfilled needs.
<img alt="HEARTFUL-communication" class="img-float-left has-img-center-in-mobile"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication2_650af53c1a.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T12:13:02.368Z">

NVC offers a radical listening and empathic responding process that can melt conflict in
 a surprisingly short time. I remember a neighbor who was furious with me because my workmen were trampling through
 his garden. He blocked the gate and refused to let them through. When he yelled, “Your guys are wrecking my garden!
 How long am I supposed to put up with these idiots?” I responded, “I can see you’ve put a lot of effort into your
 garden. Are you furious because you want it respected? And you’d like a timeframe for when this will be over?” He
 continued with his angry accusations but it took only 5 minutes of me listening to him without defending, each time
 empathizing with his needs in the same manner, before he softened and opened the gate. Our relationship was
 preserved.
NVC is a universal process that can be learned by all kinds of people, of all ages and
 in all kinds of cultures. I recall a team project with prison guards in Scotland that I found particularly moving.
 These were tough guys, mostly ex-military, allergic to feelings, keeping themselves safe through physical strength
 and hard-hitting humor. Our job was to teach them deep listening, conflict management, facilitation and counseling
 skills! At first it was difficult. Their armor seemed impenetrable and we were perceived as coming from another
 planet. Listening to their stories, having sincere respect and willingness to try to understand their dangerous
 world, finally turned the key. I will always remember sitting in a circle with them one year on. One man had tears
 in his eyes as he expressed his sadness and despair: “There is no room for compassion in this work.” No one joked,
 all were quiet, nodding their agreement. In awe I reflected on how far these men had come. Now they valued
 self-awareness, feelings, trust, openness. They knew how to listen. They could connect to the needs of the prisoners
 and each other. They had self-respect. They had come home to their hearts. One said, “I am a much better man now, I
 feel like myself.” Subsequently they won an award for teaching this to others, and guards who refused to take part
 were called “dinosaurs”!
Rosenberg saw the crucial role that language plays in contributing to either harmony or
 conflict. We think in language. Language shapes our perception, creates our “reality.” Hafiz, the 14th century
 Persian mystic said, “What we speak becomes the house we live in.” Judgments, threats, demands, interpretations,
 separate us from our hearts and from each other. NVC offers us a clear structure and tools for expressing ourselves
 without these habitual, alienating forms of language (See <a
 href="https://baynvc.org/basics-of-nonviolent-communication/">https://baynvc.org/basics-of-nonviolent-communication/</a> ).
It can readily be taught to children as well as adults – children are naturals!
Daaji has said, “NVC goes ‘hand-in-glove’ with Heartfulness.” Both are heart-centered
 approaches enabling us to become more loving, purer human beings. As we integrate NVC into Heartfulness, a process
 is emerging called Heartful Communication. Eventually, with a spiritual practice and perspective, we may hope to
 free ourselves of having needs. But at the moment we are imperfect human beings. Needs are there, at our core, with
 differing intensities for each of us. As we evolve spiritually, our needs also evolve. A wish for recognition may
 change to a longing for humility to be an anonymous server. A need for social belonging may transmute to a yearning
 for merging with the divine.
The 13th century Sufi mystic, Rumi, expresses the condition that can blossom when we
 move out of fear-based blame and judgment, threat, demand, winning and losing, reward and punishment; when we
 transform our “diagnoses,” i.e. thinking and communicating in terms of what is “right” and “wrong” with us.
<hr class="vertical-space1">
<img alt="heartful-communication"
 class="has-img-center lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication3_f0acd1087b.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T12:14:21.132Z">“Out
 beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, 
 there is a field. I’ll meet you there. 
 When the soul lies down in that grass, 
 the world is too full to talk about. 
 Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ 
 doesn’t make any sense.” 

When we meet in Rumi’s field,
 it will enrich and unite us all. 

<hr class="vertical-space1"> 
Learn Heartful Communication:

Visit <a style="color: #730080;"
 href="http://www.heartfulcommunication.org">www.heartfulcommunication.org</a> 
Learn NVC: 
Find a training: <a style="color: #0dc6d4;"
 href="http://www.cnvc.org">www.cnvc.org</a> 
 30-day free online course and NVC resources library: <a style="color: #0dc6d4;"
 href="http://www.nvctraining.com">www.nvctraining.com</a> 
 Facebook pages list events, e.g. NVC India; Bay Area Nonviolent Communication
 
 NVC with children: Google search

Books: 
Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life by
 Marshall Rosenberg 
 Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Hart and Hodson 
 Being Genuine by Thomas D’Ansembourg 
 Words that Work in Business by Ike Lasater 

YouTube videos: 
Marshall Rosenberg teaching NVC
<hr>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">Article by LIZ KINGSNORTH 
 Illustrations by JASMEE RATHOD</h4>
<hr>

Heartful communication

<h4></h4>
 In this 3-part series,
 LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the basic
 principles of Heartful Communication, and how it guides our understanding of
 our personal feelings and the feelings of others, ultimately leading to a
 more consistent state of harmony. In part 1, she focuses on the importance
 of the quality of communication.
</h4>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 These are extraordinary times. So much of what we call our “normal life” has
 been thrown up in the air like pieces of a puzzle, and the pieces are landing
 – if at all they do land – in a different pattern, which may not be
 recognizable. Amidst this uncertainty and turmoil, we find our relationships
 under greater pressure. There seems to be conflict and misunderstanding at all
 levels, within ourselves, between family members, at work, within our
 countries, and between nations.



 Many of us are longing to have more harmonious relationships and to
 communicate more effectively. At a deeper level, we want to interact in a way
 that is in alignment with our core selves, with the best versions of
 ourselves. I hear people saying things like, “I want to feel at peace at the
 end of the day.” No one wants the heaviness that can result from
 misunderstandings and disagreement. I’m sure that we all prefer to
 manage interactions with care; we want to listen well, to speak kindly, but we
 struggle to achieve this consistently. Heartful Communication sets out to meet
 this need. After a workshop, one woman wrote simply, “I’ve always known how I
 want to live my life and now I have the tools to do it.”



 This is not just a set of techniques or a toolkit, however; it’s an awareness
 and a way of being. It weaves together a heart-centered approach to living,
 with practical ways to manifest this in our daily interactions. Techniques and
 wisdom from the Heartfulness practices and philosophy are interwoven with a
 process called Nonviolent Communication, which was developed by Dr. Marshall
 B. Rosenberg. Both approaches focus on the heart, and honor our humanness,
 recognizing that we are imperfect beings with shared yearnings and shared
 vulnerabilities.



 So how would it be if we used these very yearnings and vulnerabilities as a
 valuable, alive way to realize the power of unity and what we have in common,
 rather than as evidence of our weakness or collective failure as a species?
 This lived experience of togetherness is something that Heartful Communication
 offers.


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<div>
 <figure>
 <img
 width="700"
 height="525"
 alt=""
 class="lazyload 
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 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Communication2_4f8750a454.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T10:25:02.583Z" 
 />
 </figure>
</div>

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 We always communicate from our current level of awareness, so the more we can
 raise our awareness and refine our inner states, the more likely it is that
 our communication will be refined. The more our hearts are open and nurtured,
 the more compassion and authenticity will be infusing our connections with
 others and with ourselves. So meditation, with its power to raise our
 awareness and to connect us with our deepest center, holds a key to helping us
 develop a more balanced, loving way of living and relating.



 Yet, even with the best intentions, the noblest ideals and values, we mess up.
 We say things we regret, we trigger hurt in others, and often we don’t know
 how it happened. We misunderstand and we are misunderstood. We can be our own
 worst enemy, especially in our closest relationships. Isn’t this where the
 toughest tests often arise?



 Let’s remind ourselves that we are products of our cultural conditioning. Most
 of us are educated from birth to compete, to compare, to judge, to think in
 terms of who is right and who is wrong, who is better or worse, what is normal
 behavior and what is abnormal. This has led us into a fractured culture where
 blaming and shaming are the norm. It manifests in our day-to-day
 communications, in how we raise our children, in our education systems, our
 businesses, and our politics. Instead of wanting to CONNECT we want to
 CORRECT. As Marshall Rosenberg says, we are habitually playing the game of
 “Who is right?”



 Can you take a moment to reflect: When have you wanted to be right recently?
 When have you insisted on something, or tried to prove a point, perhaps? And
 if you won that round of the game and proved yourself to be right, how do you
 suppose the other person felt? And how did you feel deep down? Was it really
 satisfying to have won a point – perhaps at the cost of the other person
 feeling embarrassed, small or resentful? Did you win the argument but damage
 the relationship? Is winning, being right, actually worth it?



 This way of thinking and conditioning starts early in our lives. I’d like to
 share a story, told by a friend about her daughter in primary school. The
 teacher organized a running race and told the children that whoever won should
 grab as many chocolates as possible from the bowl. My friend’s daughter won
 the race but took only one chocolate. She was then scolded by the teacher for
 being disobedient – she had been told to grab lots of sweets and didn’t. When
 the distressed child returned home and was asked by her mother what happened,
 she cried, “If I had taken lots of chocolates, there wouldn’t have been enough
 for everyone.” Her natural inclination was to share, to think of others, but
 here she was being “educated” out of her natural way of being into
 winning at the expense of others.


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<hr />

<h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 My individual existence rests in all of humanity. Whatever I may
 think of the human race, I am inextricably a part of it! Each of us
 can and does make a difference to the whole, however small, in
 how we live each moment.
</h5>

<hr />

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 width="700"
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 />
 </figure>
</div>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 What is it that we reward? How do we respond to mistakes? I was very inspired
 when I first heard about African communities that are rooted in the strength
 of Interdependence rather than Independence – the philosophy of Ubuntu. One
 Ubuntu practice that especially moves me is this: When someone makes a serious
 mistake, what we would probably call a crime in our society, that person sits
 surrounded by their community, and for two days everyone reminds him or her of
 all the good, kind things they have done! The idea is that the person
 has temporarily forgotten their true nature, so the others remind them of who
 they really are. Having been deeply affirmed and restored through
 this expression of acceptance, love, and trust, that person is extremely
 unlikely to repeat the mistake.



 This is a philosophy that has redemption at its core. Isn’t the possibility of
 redemption central to a humane society? How radically different this is from
 our idea that shame and punishment will reform us, starting with young
 children, all the way through to our criminal justice system. If I shame
 someone, whether through speech or action, am I not inevitably shaming myself
 ?



 My individual existence rests in all of humanity. Whatever I may think of the
 human race, I am inextricably a part of it! Each of us can and does make a
 difference to the whole, however small, in how we live each moment. For
 example, we cannot know what the extended effects of kindness might be. I
 remember one day, driving on a highway and stopping at a toll to pay my fee.
 To my surprise the toll attendant told me that the person in the car in front
 of me had paid for me! Apparently it was Random Acts of Kindness Day, which I
 wasn’t aware of, and this gesture of drivers paying for those behind them in
 the queue had been going on for an hour or so. In delight, I paid the toll fee
 for the car behind me, and I heard later that this chain of paying for another
 continued unbroken for most of the day. I’m sure that this repeated small
 gesture, this random act of kindness, will have generated smiles and opened
 hundreds of hearts that day, perhaps changing someone’s dark mood, with the
 result that they treated people differently. We don’t know, but we do know
 that we enjoy experiences that connect us. How we communicate can contribute
 to the warmth of connection and unity, or to the chill of separation. It can
 contribute to our evolution or to our diminishment.


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To be continued.

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<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center" id="h-illustrations-by-ananya-patel">
 Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL
</h4>

<hr />

Communication: Bridging the Gap - Part 1

In this 3-part series,
 LIZ KINGSNORTH
 introduces the importance of effective communication, some principles of
 Heartful Communication, and how we can better understand our personal
 feelings and longings, and the feelings and longings of others. In Part 2,
 Liz explores why we think and behave the way we do, giving examples of how
 our communication will improve as a result of this understanding.


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<h3 class="has-text-align-center" id="h-what-are-our-feelings-telling-us">
 What are our feelings telling us?
</h3>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 Marshall Rosenberg suggests that underlying all our actions, words, and
 choices, are the human “needs,” aspirations, and longings that we want
 fulfilled. They are the motivators for our behavior. “Needs” may include
 safety, justice, belonging, to be heard, to have a sense of self-worth, to
 have purpose or meaning, to be accepted, to learn, to contribute, to have fun,
 to have peace. We do what we do and say what we say in order to try to meet a
 particular need. These needs are life-serving; in their essence, they
 positively contribute to life. Some needs are easy to understand, for example,
 going for a promotion to ensure security for the family, spending time on
 social media to meet a need for connection, complaining about loud music
 because of a need for peace to relax. Other behaviors are not so easy to
 understand, for example, not telling the truth. What needs might underlie this
 choice? I imagine each of us has said things at times that were not true,
 perhaps because we wanted to protect someone from hurt, or protect ourselves
 from criticism. Our motivation is to protect. If a child denies breaking a
 window when we know they broke it, our first reaction might be to scold them
 for not telling the truth. We might brand the child as a liar and thereafter
 doubt their word. If we feel into the child’s need underlying their denial, is
 it not self-protection? That is a need we all share. Perhaps they were
 punished in the past when they owned up to a mistake, so they have learned
 it’s not safe to tell the truth in such circumstances.



 So, how might we support a child to be honest, other than by punishing them
 when they lie? Whenever they acknowledge they have made a mistake – “Yes I
 broke this,” “Yes it was me who ate Mum’s chocolate, ” – can we welcome their
 honesty, affirm how we all mess up at times, and then together think through
 how the mistake could be sorted out? In other words, replace the use of fear
 with trust, with respect, with love.



 So here’s a key shift in our awareness – from criticizing a person’s behavior
 to trying to understand the underlying need behind their words and actions.
 What are the needs and values that are driving them? This awareness opens our
 hearts and enables us to realize our connectedness. It’s a choice. Awareness
 brings choice. This choice can be liberating for us and for those with whom we
 are relating.


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<div class="block-image">
 <figure>
 <img width="471" height="616" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/heartful_communication_part2_2_a8519c1394.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-12T03:22:02.119Z" />
 </figure>
</div>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 Let’s take an everyday example of a family argument between a parent and their
 teenage child. The parent is frustrated by the teenager constantly being on
 their mobile phone with friends, even during mealtimes and late into the
 night, so they forcibly remove the phone. The teenager disappears into their
 room in a rage and refuses to come out. There’s a major stand-off. What each
 of them say and do to express their needs, in other words the strategies that
 they use, infuriate the other.



 Strategies are what we want; needs are why we want it. The parent has needs
 for the teenager to be healthy, and to participate in the togetherness of
 family life. The teen has needs for connection and friendship with their peers
 – to belong. As a young adult, they also value autonomy and the independence
 to make their own choices.



 The conflict lies at the level of the words and actions, the strategies, not
 at the level of the underlying needs. These are needs we all understand and
 experience; they are shared by all human beings – not necessarily at the same
 time, and not necessarily with the same intensity, but we can relate to them
 once we become aware of them. The parent understands their child’s needs for
 connection and autonomy, and the teen understands their parent’s wish for
 health and togetherness. In fact, the need for connection is common to both.



 The solution to this conflict, and any conflict, lies in recognizing and
 respecting the underlying needs, then looking for different strategies, new
 creative ways forward, where everyone’s needs are taken into account.
 It is not A’s way or B’s way, but a third way. This is why families all over
 the world endeavor to come up with agreements about phones that everyone feels
 okay with.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 The solution to this conflict, and any conflict, lies in
 recognizing
 and respecting the underlying needs, then looking for different
 strategies, new creative ways forward, where everyone’s needs
 are taken into account.
</h5>

<hr />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 To help us understand this concept of underlying needs as motivators for
 everything we say and do, let’s take a few examples:


<ol>
 <li>
 Why have you chosen to read this article? What needs are you hoping to meet?
 </li>
 <li>
 If you tell your partner how much you enjoy their cooking, what needs are
 you fulfilling? When we express appreciation to another, isn’t this
 fulfilling our need, our wish, to contribute to someone else’s happiness?
 While we may also have an agenda of making sure we get dinner tomorrow too,
 I’m convinced that wanting to contribute to the well-being of others is one
 of the deepest human needs.
 </li>
 <li>What might be the needs underlying bullying behavior?</li>
</ol>


 Do you sense that the person may have poor self-esteem and want to be seen as
 powerful, to feel that they are someone? Bullies have usually been bullied
 themselves and have felt the helplessness that turns to anger. So may they
 have a need for recognition or respect? There could be a wide range of needs,
 and often they are not conscious. Remember we don’t have to like or agree with
 certain behaviors in order to try to understand them more deeply.



 Marshall Rosenberg offers us this thought: “Every criticism, judgment and
 expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” It’s tragic
 because those forms of expression hurt others and hurt our own hearts.
 Learning to hear the unmet needs behind criticism or anger – whether coming
 from someone else or from inside us – will support a new understanding.



 Deep attentive listening is a cornerstone of Heartful Communication. Often we
 want to be listened to more than we want to listen! In his book,
 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey offers us a habit that can transform our interactions:
 “Seek
 to understand before you are understood.” If we have an intention to
 really listen and understand another person first, this creates a warm
 connection and opens the field between us for dialogue. Any communication
 starts with our intention. In Heartful Communication, our intention is to
 connect: with the Source, with our own heart, and with the heart of another
 person – what matters to them in this moment? So we listen.


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To be continued.

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<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center">Illustrations by ANANYA PATEL</h4>

<hr />

Liz Kingsnorth

Liz is a happy human being living in Kanha Shanti Vanam. She is blessed with a son and daughter and four beloved grandchildren in Australia. She is the global Director of Heartful Communication and has been a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication for over 20 years.

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