Naomi is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and one of the leading parenting guides in the world today. She has been featured in the media internationally, and guides parents but about how to have peace without control so that children do their best, not because they fear us or seek our approval but because they want to. Her SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of the work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication combined and more.

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Naomi Aldort

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 NAOMI ALDORT is the author of Raising Our
 Children, Raising Ourselves,
 published in nineteen different languages. She guides parents via phone,
 Skype and workshops internationally, bringing peace and clarity to both
 difficult situations and everyday family issues, including marriage,
 pregnancy, birth, diet and lifestyle, and child development for children of
 all ages. Her S.A.L.V.E. communication formula has been praised as providing
 the best of the work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication combined.
 In this exclusive interview with
 LAKSHMI ARAVIND, Naomi shares her wisdom on how we
 can raise emotionally resilient,
 well-adjusted, authentic children.
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 Q: All kids encounter stress in their lives to varying
 degrees, and despite
 our best efforts as parents we can’t always protect them. Kids get sick,
 they have to move schools and environments, deal with bullies, cyber
 bullies, exams and tests. They may face family breakups and grief due to
 loss. On top of all this, we also live in a fast-paced world, where we want
 quick solutions to problems. But this is the time to pause and think of how
 we can do the best for our children.



 Naomi, welcome and how are you today?



 NA: I’m doing
 well, thank you, and I’m delighted to be here with you.



 Q: Awesome, so let’s get started. The first question is: What
 are the basic
 tenets of your philosophy for raising children, and why emotionally
 resilient?



 NA: Where I
 depart from the mainstream way of parenting is that I am not into shaping
 children and making them. I hold children as creation (if you’re religious
 that means God, otherwise Nature) and they are perfect creations just as they
 are. So my whole approach is about allowing children to be rooted in
 themselves rather than in what we want for them. Parents want children to
 learn this, to be there, to sleep in their own room; all this “wanting” for
 our children. We cannot chew food for another person, we cannot breathe for
 another person, and likewise we cannot want for another person. A baby is a
 time bomb. It’s a grown-up in a small body with its potential not yet
 unfolded. We need to know the limitations, but we need to respect them like we
 respect God. This is not our making.



 So that’s the main difference in my philosophy. It’s not permissiveness, it’s
 not license. We still need to guide and be leaders, but we need to be leaders
 who enable children to unfold who they already are.



 I always use the analogy of watering a flower so it will bloom – not so that
 it blooms your way, your color, or to your timing. It’s already in the design.
 They’re going to walk at a certain time, they’re going to talk at a certain
 time, they’re going to sleep by themselves at a certain time, they’re going to
 read at a certain time – anytime between age four and thirteen or fourteen. It
 makes no difference later on. Whether children learn to walk at one or two, we
 all learned to walk at different times and talk at different times. Einstein
 didn’t talk until he was four. What difference does it make once we’re
 unfolding ourselves into adults? And in terms of resilience, again, with the
 utmost reverence and spiritual recognition of who a baby, a child, a human
 being is, they are born resilient.


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 Our job is not to ruin that. And unfortunately, we ruin it a lot. We get in
 the way, and then, when it’s ruined and things aren’t going well, we ask,
 “Gee, what do we do? Our child is doing this.” And then we are convinced that
 we have to shape them because we unshaped them to a point where it’s not
 working. My teaching is about nurturing who is already there, not shaping
 them; watering the flowers, not painting the color of the petals or telling
 them when to come out.



 Let me say a little bit about how we do harm. What do we do? Well, we’re
 taking the inner power of the child and we’re destroying it in many ways. We
 give messages to children that their inner voices are somehow wrong. They have
 to do what we say, not what they say to themselves. It starts in babyhood –
 that’s why I always say that everything I teach is from babyhood to adulthood,
 because it’s the same principle.



 So many parents ask me, “How do I get my child to move out of the family bed?”
 – if they even sleep with the child. And I say, “Well, if you have to trick
 them and make them go to their own bed, then they’re not ready.” You’re
 teaching them not to listen to their own voice.



 Then they tell me, “Well, to be independent, don’t they need to sleep by
 themselves and soothe themselves?” I say, “No. You’re not sleeping right
 yourself. You’re not soothing yourself. You go for therapy if you’re really
 upset, or to your friends. Why should a baby, who is scared to death for
 survival, or a young child, sleep by themselves? And when you give them the
 message, ‘You should sleep by yourself,’ even though they feel inside, ‘I want
 to sleep next to mommy and daddy,’ then you’re telling them, ‘Don’t listen to
 yourself.’ And that kills self-confidence, that kills the self, because we
 constantly tell them how they feel inside is wrong.”


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<h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 In terms of resilience, again, with the utmost reverence
 and
 spiritual recognition of who a baby, a child, a human being is, they
 are born resilient.
</h5>

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 And another way we kill resilience is by distracting babies and young children
 from suffering. It is almost contradictory. On one hand, we tell them that
 they shouldn’t suffer. On the other hand, we cause the suffering when we put
 them to sleep somewhere else and tell them, “Hey, put up with it!” That
 stresses them because it is a primal need. Then, when they have suffering that
 is not a primal need – they don’t get their candy, their friend isn’t playing
 with them anymore, later on their girlfriend/boyfriend leaves them – then we
 try to distract them. We start with babies; when a baby cries, we say, “Look
 here, look there!” or “Here, play with this!” and we tell them, “Hey, you know
 you can handle suffering, you can handle pain.”



 I teach the opposite. Meet your baby’s needs, be kind with your teenager, and
 with all ages, but sometimes life offers challenges. Sometimes there is
 suffering. Grandma does die. Uncle cancels his visit. Toys break. Friends
 won’t always play with them. So, I always tell parents that instead of fixing
 everything – which tells children that they can’t handle it, and that weakens
 them – let them know that it’s all right. Validate their feeling.



 Let’s say a child comes out of a room full of children and says, “They won’t
 play with me. They told me to leave,” most parents say, “Oh no! Let’s go in
 and I’ll fix it for you.” The parent talks to the other children: “What
 happened? Please be inclusive,” and what is the child learning? “I’m weak and
 dependent, and I need the adult to come and rescue me so that I get what I
 want.”


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 Now the response I advocate, when the child comes out of the room saying,
 “They won’t play with me. They told me to leave,” is, “Oh, you want to talk
 about how that’s feeling?” Maybe they’re crying. After they express their
 feelings (and sometimes they don’t express much because they look for “What am
 I supposed to feel?” from the parent), I would just say, “Okay, what would you
 like to do instead?



 Would you like to help me in the kitchen? I’m making lunch,” or “Would you
 like to sit here? I have some nice books and puzzles here.”



 If it’s not my own child, but a guest, I would say, “Would you like me to call
 your mom to pick you up?” I’m letting the child know that they can handle the
 fact that the others are not playing with them. I don’t ask, “What did you do
 that they’re not playing with you?” That’s blame and shame. Definitely not a
 good idea.



 I don’t make it seem like it’s a big problem, but if it is a problem for them,
 I listen. “Tell me, I see you wanted to play so badly, so do you want to tell
 me how you feel about it?” I listen to them. Then, the next step is, “I
 understand how you feel. What would you like to do instead?”


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<hr />

<h5 class="has-text-align-center">
 I always tell parents that instead of fixing everything
 – which tells
 children that they can’t handle it, and that weakens them – let
 them know that it’s all right. Validate their feeling.
</h5>

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 We often teach them to want things, and we teach them to always get what they
 want. Then they can’t handle not getting what they want. We say, “No, don’t
 call him stupid! It will hurt his feelings.” We’re teaching them to be weak
 and to be hurt. When I see a child calling another child “stupid,” I say, “Me
 too!” and I give an example of how I’m stupid. Then they learn to accept.



 It’s like the Zen story, “Without Blinking an Eye.” I’ll tell the short
 version. It’s about the General of an army in Japan that is going from village
 to village killing everyone. Most people run away and escape. He comes to one
 village, and he’s told by his soldiers that the Zen master at the top of the
 hill in the monastery hasn’t escaped. The general is enraged: “How come?
 Doesn’t he know who I am?”



 So he goes up to the monastery, looks at the little old man and says, “How
 dare you! Don’t you know who I am? I could run you through with my sword
 without blinking an eye!”And the little Zen master says, “ And do you
 know who I am? Someone who can have your sword go through me without blinking
 an eye.”



 Can we raise children to hear bad words – the sword, the criticism – with
 gratitude? When somebody criticizes them and calls them names, can they say,
 “Tell me more”? There is nothing we don’t have. We may be generous, but we’ve
 been greedy. We may smell good, but we’ve been stinky. We may be peaceful, but
 we’ve been angry at some time. It’s like, “Tell me more. I’m learning.
 Everyone is a teacher for me.”



 We are teaching to “wants” and teaching children to defend themselves and to
 think that they’re always good. We are teaching instant gratification. We are
 teaching by distraction – “Here, here, have some ice cream, it will help you
 forget about what happened with the other kid.” We are teaching children to
 run away from suffering. Also, we are praising, creating a need for children
 to seek approval all the time, rather than being themselves.



 We teach them to run away from the self, which creates insecurity and low
 self-esteem. And we run them toward success – everybody has to know so much.
 And we put them on the competitive mill to be successful, to have money, to
 have a profession, to be the best. And then they are afraid and develop
 anxiety, anxiety to please others, anxiety not to be oneself, to avoid what
 they really want and feel inside, and to do all this stuff that is expected of
 them. That’s very anxiety-provoking, because it’s easy to be oneself, but it’s
 very hard to read other people and please them.


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 Q: I think we all need to hear that. I’m one of those
 parents who used to
 step in and fix it for them right away. And we don’t realize how hurtful it
 can be for our children in the long run. We’re really not teaching them to
 be resilient. As you say, we have already destroyed their resilience, and
 somehow we have to undo all that.
 

 
 We live in a world where there’s immediate gratification,
 and all the time
 we want to give the best to our children. We don’t want them to get hurt at
 all. In a world where there’s constant comfort and stimulation, what can we
 do about that?
 

 
 NA: To teach
 emotional resilience, we have to not unteach it, because they already have it.
 Look at babies, who behave like they’re the most deserving creatures on Earth.
 A little discomfort and they cry. They want to nurse and they tell you. You
 put them to sleep somewhere else, they scream. It’s very clear that they’re
 resilient, they can handle it, they can express feelings, and they can handle
 life and our mistakes, too.
 

 
 But to teach emotional resilience, we need to avoid teaching them to be
 triggered. Like what I said before, instead of teaching them that name calling
 is a bad thing, ask them to find how it’s true for them. Teach them not to be
 defensive. We teach them by modeling. If our spouse tells us, “Hey, you’re
 lazy,” or “You did this or that,” what is our automated reaction? “No, I’m
 not! No, that’s not what happened.” What I teach to create resilience is,
 “Yes, I am.”
 

 
 I actually teach healing games where members of the family get together and,
 through games, through play therapy, learn to accept when somebody criticizes
 them or calls them a name. We need to stop blaming others, making all this
 justice thing, which is part of why people are so emotionally weak. Take
 sibling rivalry, for example: “Mommy says I am wrong.” Don’t ever take sides.
 Just listen to each one and help them find the solution simply by listening to
 them. You don’t ever have to fix things. They solve it themselves. When you
 come into their room and they’re fighting, listen to each one of them until
 they’re done. Let each one tell their side, and when the other interrupts and
 says, “No, that’s not what happened,” I say, “Wait till she’s done, and then
 you’ll tell what happened to you.” I don’t ever take sides.
 

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 To teach emotional resilience, we need to avoid
 teaching them to be
 triggered. Like what I said before, instead of teaching them
 that name calling is a bad thing, ask them to find how it’s true
 for them. Teach them not to be defensive. We teach them by
 modeling.
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 Another way to help children to be strong is to let them find their own
 solutions and express themselves. The first chapter in my book talks about
 self-expression. But the main thing is that we’re killing strength through the
 constant need for approval, by expecting children to live based on external
 rewards, praise and grades. In order to enable inner peace, children need to
 be rooted in themselves, responsible for creating their own inner joy, no
 matter what another person is saying about them. That’s true power.
 

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 To be continued.

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 <hr />

 <h4 class="has-text-align-center">Interviewed by LAKSHMI ARAVIND</h4>

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Naomi Aldort

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