MAMATA VENKAT manages external communications and public relations for Anthem’s Global Chief Information Office. Through personal reflection, she talks about how negative emotions – especially anger –have driven her to consistently invest time in her whole health and well-being.
Several situations helped me realize I was doing a terrible job of putting myself first. In my twenties, I couldn’t see how unhealthy some of my relationships were until I quit them; at one moment I couldn’t manage my anxiety, and nearly lost a job because of it; my body felt exhausted when I didn’t nourish it with food and sleep; I felt burned out because of work stress and anxiety; and I was generally trying to exist. But the realization of how little time I was investing in myself did not come from any of these specific moments. Instead, it came from a feeling that still surprises me: anger.
The isolation of the pandemic forced me to do some self-reflection that helped me own and rectify my shortcomings, but in parallel came the realization that my baseline emotion was often deep anger. I was angry at everything: at friends and family who had said hurtful things to me months or years ago; at times when I had been too scared to stand up for myself, letting people walk and speak all over me; at loved ones whose constructive criticism I took too harshly; at the pandemic for pushing me out of New York City; at everyone else for everything, because it was easier than trying to change myself.
I would spiral through thoughts, all with the end goal of wishing that people who had walked all over me would come back, fix how I was feeling, and give that positive energy back to me. I wanted them to invest in me the way I had been willing to invest in them.
I would hear how negatively I’d speak to myself, constantly shaming and reprimanding myself for being human. I could never speak to my best friend in the critical, deprecating way I would speak to myself, so, why was it okay?
By “being your own best friend,”
you’re less inclined to
live your life based on
other people’s standards.
Instead you are motivated
to live the life you
have always wanted.
There was a period when I attended regular therapy sessions (I highly recommend them). I spent several sessions venting my frustrations about others, and my therapist would patiently listen and validate my feelings. But when I was ready to really listen, she said to me:
“Remember that game kids play, hot potato? Someone would play music, and kids would pretend to throw an invisible hot potato from person to person, and whenever the music stopped, the person holding the potato was out? Blame is like a hot potato. It’s fine to toss it from person to person, but the music has stopped, and right now you’re the one who is feeling the burn. And if you’re still feeling the burn, that means it is your responsibility to figure out how to stop it.”
Wellness experts and Instagram influencers are constantly posting photos and videos captioned with 2200 characters of self-love and self-care words intended to motivate us to set aside our insecurities, seize the day and “be your own best friend.” By “being your own best friend,” you’re less inclined to live your life based on other people’s standards. Instead you are motivated to live the life you have always wanted.
As someone who regularly posts lengthy motivational captions on my own Instagram page, I’d be a hypocrite if I balked at any of these ubiquitous self-love posts. However, I still feel uncertain when I read or write such posts, like there is a part of me that is looking for the validation that I am allowed to put myself first. Can I really invest energy in myself? Am I allowed to do that?
This is a discussion I have been having with colleagues and friends– especially my female friends. Many of us still feel that internal tug-of-war of enabling others’ needs and perspectives versus empowering and honoring what feels natural to us. Why do we have such a hard time putting ourselves first? And why does it take a real struggle for us to realize that we have been depleting ourselves?
For me, a lot of it comes from a people-pleasing mentality that is both cultural and innate. I often operate with a fear that if I don’t do what is asked of me, or what the people I care about expect of me, then I’m failing. That is where I have derived a lot of my value. That is also where I have derived a lot of my anger.
For years I have minimized my inner voice so much that when I finally was able to see a 30,000-foot view of my reality, the only thing that felt in my control was putting blame on everyone and everything else. That anger consumed me so much that it took me a long time to recognize that the better, healthier solution was to be present for myself.
So, how am I learning how to be my own best friend? It’s a work in progress. These are five things that have been helping me feel a little closer to my most authentic, natural self:
Get to know yourself.
Figure out what makes you
feel
whole. Allow room for growth.
Allow room for change.
My therapist gave me the hot potato metaphor when I was twenty-four. I’m almost thirty now. I still carry that wisdom with me in the moments I’m inclined to play the blame game rather than take responsibility for my own growth.
Your relationship with yourself is the most constant and important relationship you’ll ever have. It may take time to realize that, but when you do, start the work. Get to know yourself. Figure out what makes you feel whole. Allow room for growth. Allow room for change. You are allowed to put time and energy into yourself. You don’t need permission. In fact, you just should.
Mamata Subramanyam
