In this interview, KAMLESH D. PATEL, known to his followers as DAAJI, shares some profound wisdom on the parent-child relationship from conception onwards. He explains how with meditation we are able to close our eyes to wake up!
Q: All around us we are witnessing the breakdown of relationships. Today’s session is dedicated to finding out not only the cause of this, but also how to mend them. Let’s start with one of the purest relationship, which is that of a parent and child.
DAAJI: Well, I would say that while it is sad what is happening, it is also nothing new. Only the phase has changed, the phase of the problem. Humanity has always faced problems at the family level, and at the personal level in individual relationships. We hear the same stories from the Mahabharata and the Ramayana. All of this reflects the consciousness of the society at that time. It is a drama enacted. When we see things happening around us now, only the intensity, the phase of it has changed, that’s all. The basic root remains the same.
Q: The purest relationship is the mother-child relationship, but now we are seeing families not wanting to have children, or terminating children before they are born, or having children and then abandoning them to the care of housekeepers. How did this happen?
DAAJI: This is a social problem arising out of too many factors. In India, we are at a stage comparable to the 1930s and 40s in America, where women wanted to work, and wanted to walk step by step in competition with men. There is nothing wrong in it, but it should not be at a cost of something else. If you want to work, go ahead and work, but remember you have a family to look after too.
The fundamental question is do you really want your relationship to work? What price are you ready to pay for it? Think about it. You have to make choices. If you decide to have a child, then it means that your job situation will have to wait. You cannot have this and that, especially as a mother. No father is equipped with that much love to look after a child. Men have not been given that ability unless of course circumstances force them into it. For example, the passing away of a man’s wife can make him mend his lifestyle in such a way as to rear a family on his own.
Selfishness is the main cause, and competitiveness is the second one. But competition also has its roots in selfishness. It’s all about ‘I, me and mine’. When I give prominence to ‘I, me and mine’, then togetherness is lost and relationships are forgotten.
When I give prominence to ‘I, me and mine’,
then togetherness is lost and relationships are forgotten.
Submissiveness and surrender were once glorious virtues, but nowadays people say: “She is a weak person,” or “He is a hen-pecked husband.” No! When a husband listens to his wife with a lot of love, he is not hen-pecked. He has consideration, and he has empathy. Similarly, the opposite is also expected. Relationships are not a one-way street. There will be and there must be sacrifice on both sides. Instead, in modern family life, a husband is not even willing to share information with his wife.
Suppose, I say to the mother of a newborn, “The nose looks like yours, but his eyes, cheeks and the rest of the features are like your husband,” she will be in tears. The argument starts there. She is pleased when someone says, “The baby is like you. Every feature is like yours.” Now, this is a small thing, so imagine when there is a serious problem. Perhaps the wife has made a mistake and the husband is not ready to forgive. We are all human beings with defects. We have to let go. If we are going to hang onto one mistake committed, it is not good. We have to be forgiving. We need to work on ourselves.
Q: Regarding the conception of a baby, how important is the attitude the parents have towards the pregnancy? For example, if they welcome the new life with joy versus they are not happy for the pregnancy.
DAAJI: It affects in a way that you cannot imagine. The root of problems between children and parents often lies in rejection at this time.
Q: How does this happen?
It starts from the womb, and even before the womb. How? I would like to narrate a beautiful story from the Mahabharata about Raja Vichitravirya, the father of Dhritharashtra, Pandu and Vidhur. He had two queens, but was unfortunately impotent. After his death, his mother wanted to ensure that he left behind a successor so that the continuity of the lineage was there. An astrologer told her, “This is the perfect auspicious time. If the queens can conceive during the next two hours, the children will be of a glorious nature, worthy of a king’s succession.”
So it is the parent’s attitude at the moment of conception
that determines the nature of the incoming soul.
So she ordered her eldest son, who was a rishi, to come, and he immediately arrived, unwashed, hair flowing and emitting an unpleasant odour. Well, he was supposed to mate with the first queen, and when the queen saw him she was aghast and closed her eyes: “My God! With this man I have to spend the moment!” She was disgusted, but she said, “All right, if it is necessary, so let it be.”
Likewise, when this rishi went to the next queen’s chamber, she was frozen as if her blood circulation had completely stopped. Two children were conceived, one with each queen: the first child was blind and the other had pale leucodermic skin. The condition of these children at birth was determined by the attitude of the queens at the moment of conception.
These two queens also decided upon an alternative plan in case they failed in the exercise. They requested one of their maids to do them the favor of conceiving a child with the rishi. That way, at least there was a back up. The maid felt so proud, thankful and grateful to God for sending the rishi with whom she could conceive a child.” She felt honored. The child that was conceived was Vidhur, the wisest of the lot.
So it is the parent’s attitude at the moment of conception that determines the nature of the incoming soul. If you mate like beasts, unaware of the spiritual nature of the act, then what do you expect to happen? A heavier, animalistic nature will prevail in the child. You are yourself determining the quality of the progeny that you are leaving behind you, based on your state at the moment of conception.
If you want great children, this is the moment you have to be very careful. And then the further growth of the embryo and rearing of the children depend on the external circumstances, the family circumstance.
Dr Bruce Lipton, in his book, The Biology of Belief1, made an observation that genetic patterns and genetic changes depend upon external circumstances. For example, when you fight with someone or run from them, the limbs are active. In a fight, the sympathetic nervous system dominates, and adrenalin rushes, making the blood flow into the limbs.
Now, imagine a situation where a mother has conceived and there is a fight in her house every day or she is forced always to be in a defensive mode. The adrenalin in her bloodstream will also cross the blood barrier and reach into the placenta. The reaction to the presence of adrenalin in the fetus will be the same as for the mother.
Now what happens? The limbs of the fetus are supplied with a lot of blood at the cost of other organs. Brain centers are also activated or stimulated because of these neurotransmitters. The author goes on to conclude that in an unbalanced family, where there is no harmony, the children born will have longer limbs and the back part of the brain will be more developed, whereas where there is harmony within the family, and where both parents understand each other very well, the brain development is of a different nature. The cognitive abilities are very well developed in such children. The frontal lobes are very well developed.
When the blood supply to the limbs is at the cost of the visceral organs the digestive system of such children will be very poor. So who is determining the health of a child? The environment affects the quality. Therefore, we cannot blame a child for the way he or she behaves.
You have the solution with you. It is up to you to make use of it. Even when you are alone, the inner harmony with yourself, with your inner nature, is very important. How you are connected with your deeper self also affects the child. Your confidence affects the child. Your fears affect the child. All your attitudes affect the child. We share everything good and bad with our child, unknowingly, right from that moment or even before conception.
Meditation helps you evaluate
whether your thinking is right or wrong, beneficial or not beneficial,
and ask if it will help your relationship if you do this, or will it go bad?
So when you meditate you are able to have a clearer picture.
Q: How does meditation help?
Meditation helps us see things before we even think of doing them, because we are busy observing our thoughts. We are many steps ahead, because we are not only looking at the action or the immediate phase before an action is taken, we are already observing ourselves when we are in a state of intention. We are regulating our intentions. We are finetuning our intentions. We ask, “Should I have such intentions in my heart?” and our heart always guides us: yes or no. So we are able to prevent conflicts before they happen. It is like vaccination. You are able to prevent a disease before it happens.
Meditation helps you evaluate whether your thinking is right or wrong, beneficial or not beneficial, and ask if it will help your relationship if you do this, or will it go bad? So when you meditate you are able to have a clearer picture. That is the reason we are able to maintain an introspective process.
Now you are able to see what is important and what is not important. The heart speaks louder than anything when we are listening to it. The more we listen, the more it guides us in the right direction. People often ask the question, “What are you doing with closed eyes?” but you are able to see things clearly with closed eyes, including your future and the future of others. You are able to see your intentions and clear them properly, so that we can all support each other.
1Bruce Lipton, The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles, 2005, Hay House, USA.
Interview by ANURADHA BHATIA